I feel inspired to write as a brother on the path who has been traveling a little longer. You may find these ideas helpful to your process or not.

Most of us when we are transitioning through our early 30’s  are in a very challenging life phase which is generating an enormous amount of stress. This is particularly true at this time in our history when the entire system is under stress and women have grown into strong aware independent beings more than ever before. No matter how well prepared you think you are, you will likely be feeling overwhelmed. I feel a lot of compassion and empathy for you.

In my late 20’s and early 30’s I had a lot in common with the men in your community. I was a passionate seeker with a focused spiritual practice, a skilled explorer of inner dimensions, a young entrepreneur seeking to establish a foundation for economic independence and financial abundance and a confident and self reliant approach to engaging with myself. 

Although I was not very aware of it at the time, I had very little skill or experience in intimacy. Frankly, at 62 years old, I feel I am just beginning to know what intimacy is all about 30 years later. I had a hard time defining what my real needs were, and an even tougher time deciphering or expressing my authentic feelings. I was all about the light! As I came to realize later, I was in so much pain, had so much grief and rage and shame that I was “saved” by the light. Thank God, because if I had been feeling all of that, I don’t know how I would have been able to handle it.

In my case, it was a woman, a goddess, who provided the wake-up call. She was just as screwed up as I was, actually more, however what she said to me still echoes in my soul. I had the hots for her, you see, and she told me that I was not “in my body” and that she would leave me if I didn’t get into my body. I didn’t have a clue what she was talking about. It was a foreign language.

Something about what she told me resonated deep inside and I started to explore this new territory which I will call the the land of the feminine, the place where the Goddess lives. That exploration continues to this day. I decided that the only way for me to explore this land was to abandon the safety of my spiritual pattern of spirit centered, light filled, mystical presence and dive in.

In my case I sought out teachers who were experienced in traversing the emotional landscape because I quickly discovered that when I am in my body I feel everything. Initially this was overwhelming and I would skip out into familiar territory whenever it got too much. The teachers I found covered the gamut from psychotherapists to relationship coaches to tantric yoga gurus. I never considered myself to be in therapy, I was in school.

Frankly, I became so comfortable in the new land that I soon out-goddessed the goddesses. As the pendulum does swing, I became quite yin for a while, a little bit emotionally polarized in contrast to my familiar spirit polarized past. Certain types of women found this rather attractive, I was vulnerable and open and they could relate. It wasn’t very sexy though, any more than my spirit-polarized identity had been in the past. Of course, I did not think that at the time!

I am sharing this history with you because although each of us are  different beings, I am describing the nature of a certain type of archetypal journey; it may not be your journey. What I have learned from this process is invaluable beyond words and it has offered many insights, so here are some ideas for you to consider.

I have observed that both men and women are either relationship creatures or non-relationship creatures. Now the nature of being human means that to a greater or lesser degree we are all in relationship with each other however I am making a different distinction.

Non-relationship creatures engage in what looks like intimate relationship to meet their own needs, be it for sex, security, money etc. When the needs are no longer being met they act out and move on to the next provider.  They are often quite content folk, many on spiritual paths or very committed to their careers and they are quite happy with a consumer philosophy of relating.  Much of this is unconscious behavior because to a person with spiritual values, this would feel pretty selfish if they recognized it.  Often, as they become more conscious, these folk avoid engaging in intimate relationships altogether and become hermit monk types.  It is very common to find non-relational folk involved with relational folk, both having a miserable time.

Relationship creatures engage in relationship for the pure joy of engaging, exploring, feeling and meeting intimately another person’s needs. Relationship becomes a spiritual journey into a deepening sense of the self. This is true whether the person is on a conscious path or not. Relationship creatures love to explore intimacy for intimacy’s sake; they love the emotional risk, the experience of empathy, the expansion of the heart center.

Neither orientation is better than the other, more worthy than the other, more spiritual than the other. It is just different and it is important to know who you be. Sometimes non-relational folk make a choice to become relational. They are awkward and clumsy for a while until they learn a new language. I was one of those.  Our past life history influences how we come into incarnation and initially we gravitate to what is comfortable and familiar and then we have the urge to grow and expand into new territory. 

In our culture today, there are lots of men and women who are members of both groups. In olden days, men were typically the non-relational types and women were the relational ones. That said, it is still mostly men who need to learn these lessons and mostly women who are the guardians and protectors of relationship. The sisters have it so easy in relating with each other and share intimacy with their girlfriends on a daily basis.  They are the pros! 

I often hear men in their forties who state that when their partners are unhappy with their relationship, their own life is a misery. Let me make this distinction, you can be happy with yourself and your partner can be happy with herself but you can both be miserable in relationship with each other.  Nobody can make me happy, that’s my responsibility, however being happy in relationship is a joint responsibility. Well, that is a truth, however in practice, the happiest marriages sustain when the man knows how to love his partner. What that generally looks like is hearing her needs, sharing his feelings, telling the truth, however embarrassing it is for either of them, and listening, listening for the secrets and mysteries of the Goddess within her.  It is called “showing up.”

As I stated earlier, we all have a lot on our plates and are being faced with making some big choices that will have consequences for this next phase of our lives. It is important that you decide what kind of man you are going to be without any judgment. Do not bullshit yourself one little bit because if you do, you will be found out and it will very, very uncomfortable for you.

So I am done with this chapter and I hope it lands well. If not, so be it! At least you will know a bit more about who I am and that I care deeply for your wholeness and wellbeing.

Blessings my brothers